When you spoke to me, I was glad to obey, because I belong to you, the Lord All-Powerful. (Jeremiah 15:15-16)
1-1-2025
Confession and grooming are inseparable even in the best of circumstances. Even good and holy priests and well-meaning Catholic parents participate in the process. Some people sense that Catholic teaching and culture are conducive to abuse. It is clear to me that this is one of the core practices that make it so.
Let’s consider the phenomenon of predatory grooming. Here is a pattern of grooming described by RAINN: victim selection, gaining access and isolating the victim, trust development and keeping secrets, desensitization to touch and discussion of sexual topics, and attempt by abusers to normalize their behavior.
In practice, this progression overlaps with private confession in alarming ways. Let’s take a closer look at how private confession allows predator priests to implement this grooming pattern:
- Victim selection. What kind of victims are targeted? They are vulnerable. They may be experiencing family or social difficulties. They may be non-normative in some way that makes them an outsider. It is not unlikely that a pastor/priest of the church would be able to detect this vulnerability. It might be as simple as scanning the church at any social event and seeing who is consistently by themselves. Of course this can happen in many contexts including schools, soccer teams, Girl Scout troops, etc.
- Gaining access and isolating the victim. At every Catholic church in the US adult volunteers and clergy are prohibited from being alone with kids who aren’t their own. Private confession is the only exception to this. Some churches have a way for a priest and a child to go off in a corner in plain sight. No physical abuse would go undetected. However it can’t be overlooked that the child is emotionally alone with his or her confessor during this time. There is a lot at stake. To remain in God’s good graces the child needs to go through the confessor. A child goes into confession thinking it is their job to do what the priest says in order to receive forgiveness.
- Trust development and keeping secrets. Parents and religious education teachers often line their children up to go spend time alone with the confessor. What message does this send? That this man is trustworthy. Without a doubt he is considered a representative of God. The confessor is seen as essential to the repentance process. There is not an option of withholding certain sins. Every known sin must be confessed. Sins that are kept secret from everyone is shared with the confessor.
- Desensitization to touch and discussion of sexual topics. It is no secret that sexual morality weighs heavily on the mind of the average Catholic. Masturbation, for example, is in the category of mortal sin, just like rape. Sexual thoughts? That is something that needs to be confessed. In nearly every other context it would be inappropriate for an unrelated adult to be discussing these topics with children. The only possible exception would be doctors or nurses talking with teen patients about physical aspects of sexuality if there was a demonstrated medical need. (And I do think there is potential for abuse and manipulation there as well.)
- Attempt by abusers to normalize their behavior. This is perhaps the most disturbing point. Catholics think that sending children and teens in to be alone and discuss private, sensitive, and sexual topics with a priest is not only normal but mandatory. To put it another way: children and teens may very well grow up thinking that it is normal to discuss private intimate thoughts with an unrelated grown man. In fact, salvation requires it. Practicing Catholics are required to confess once a year.
Even good and holy priests participate in this grooming process.
Someone might object that good priests would never do this. However even good and holy priests participate in this grooming process. Every time they hear a confession, they are training kids to have no boundaries and ask no questions. They are cultivating a habit of complete trust in the confessor. In fact, they are participating in a process whereby kids are taught to accept every single point of the grooming progression listed above. This puts these kids at risk. Sooner or later these children will be confessing not to a good and holy priest but to a predator with bad intentions.
The harsh reality is that the years these kids spent with a good confessor sets them up perfectly to be victimized. They have no defenses. Let’s face it: effective predators often come across as good and holy. They don’t come off as creepy perverts. And if and when these people are victimized, the years-worth of spiritual practice preceding the victimization are called into question. Since the predator seems so holy on the outside, the victim may start to question every priest just out of a sense of self preservation. Outward appearances of virtue can’t be trusted.